reality sets in (this is a parent rant)

i need a legitimate job. one where i make more than just minimum wage. thinking about developing film at $10 a roll, going to classes and buying books and lab fees over the summer, spending $20 just to get to and from exeter twice a week, while making $600 stretch is not going to happen. i had all of these great plans and fun ideas for this summer and it is all burning to the ground right now. whenever i get jobs my parents somehow find a way to tell me i'm better than whoever i work for, and how i don't need to work, and how i should quit and just relax a little because everything is taken care of. and when i finally do that, they decide that i'm living unreasonably and i have to work more. i live in portland now, so obviously everything is different. oh wait, what's different? last year i worked 30 hours a week making barely $5 an hour. i lived at home and didn't eat. both of my parents would jump at the chance of helping me. and now i have to have a mental breakdown about money in order for anyone to realize that $50 a month on food isn't enough, and trying to stay in school over the summer sucks, and you know what i don't have a lot of money saved because it try to do nice things for myself and others. oh here, here's four new awesome film cameras that you will NEVER be able to use now because you can't afford the $5 a roll of film never mind the processing fee. "i don't understand why you can't just lie and say you have waitressing experience" says my mother. oh i don't know maybe because I'M AN HONEST FUCKING PERSON. here i'll give you a handout but you should still work somewhere once a week. oh i should? i should find a one day a week job? sorry those only exist for divorced and retired 50something year old women. ooooh i need spending money? no i need gas money and toll money. i want to go do things and see things and now i just feel trapped. i dont know how a man can tell his daughter that she can go anywhere she wants to and he will take care of it, yet be disappointed and angered that she doesnt want to work for three months. that you know what, she wants to cash in all of the scholarships she won and all the dues that are paid to her. "you're helping pay for your education by getting scholarships" no, false. if i didn't get the scholarships, you would have found the money so i wouldnt have to pay so you wouldnt have to feel like middle class. so you could say you beat the struggles of your parents and that i actually had a shot to do what i wanted. but over and over and over again what i want is deemed unnecessary and unimportant. i am not encouraged or understood on any academic or professional level, let alone a human being daughter level.

i need to stop being so tired and so lazy all the time. i need a real fucking job that gives me real money so i don't have to worry about stupid things like gas and toilet paper. i need to stop freaking out and just bite the bullet and find a job. but getting a job means worrying about scheduling and time. i just want some time.