today

everything makes me want to cry. i think i really do need to be medicated. it makes me feel weak and alone and sad and dependent. but maybe it helps if it erases the unnecessary anger and aggression and dead-heartedness.

things that katie likes

after everything, a friend told me to spend some time on me. the things i like to do. i paused, and my throat just sort of stuck that way it does when there is a non-existent lump from doubt or worry or guilt. i have devoted almost the entirety of my life helping others, chasing others, or changing for the better or betterment of others. i had absolutely no idea what i could possibly do to spend time on and for myself. everything i once loved seems like work now. or worse yet, enjoying things brings me to a time when things were better and shared, and immediately thereafter i am filled with a sadness i cannot yet quite explain. but i know that spending time to find and redefine the things i enjoy is a massive project. and this massive project will keep my head and mind and heart busy for hopefully long enough. i realized in those few short days home that there are things i still do like, and can do without associating or linking to too much.

so i am compiling a list, that i will continue to edit. so i cannot forget or continue to lose the pieces of myself which i so horribly miss.

katie likes:

• fires. being near them, having them, starting them, playing with them, drinking by them
• meeting new people
• having random conversations with new/old people
• old people. i love old people.
• reading books. particularly by younger people who have something to say about the world we live in or their personal opinions.
• smoking cigarettes with my dear friend alex.
• making mixed cds and sending them to friends or strangers.
• receiving mixed cds. receiving new music in general.
• watching movies.
• creating life backgrounds while people watching.
  
• shopping for one single head to toe outfit.
• sitting by the wall
• photographing. going on photo adventures. learning new processes of photography.
• wrapping gifts. i love love love wrapping presents for people.
  
• drinking beer, specifically with people and not alone.
  
• going to music shows, with people i know and like.
  
• walking. particularly on beaches, or paved sidewalks by beaches. not so much in the woods.
• making a cd for a drive to nowhere, and then going there.
  
• making schedules and plans that will never happen.
  
• photoboothing with friends. so narcissistic, so lovely
• making exquisite corpses with john, for some weird reason our brains are always the same.
• drinking coffee
• decorating and rearranging places
  

dont read posts from an older time

because if they are happy, you will realize what happiness is gone. and if they are angry, you wil relive the anger. stupid intolerable double edged swords. i made a break through last night in the middle of a breakdown: i am sick of being forced to choose between being two people. because i realized i am at a crossroads, and neither side will do. maybe that will help with this weekend.

going home, again. tomorrow. got some math homework to do before. hopefully i can get some film work done. i think we're scanning negatives in class week, which will be AWESOME because then i can update and finally publish my website to the world. that might make me feel better. maybe.

this see-sawing is just utter bullshit. im a mess and you know that i cant help it. except i totally can. "i know i can, i just don't want to" when did you become such a self absorbed asshole who felt the most of your contributions were felt only in those who use and take advantage of you? i fell in love with someone completely different, and now i dont know you anymore. and i cant fight for something when i dont even know what it is anymore. we said we were done with mind games and cheap shots. im upfront real talk. get on my level or get the fuck up, i'm not wasting away anymore to prove who i am or am not.

i sound psychotic and narcissistic and silly. time for a smoke then homework.

i thought it was supposed to get easier when you worked harder

it's all over. im a mess. goodbye.

rhode island

i'll be there by 5.

my name is katie. i'm from the smallest state in america. i am an only lonely child. i can count the people i love with just my hands. i live in maine now. i like photography and writing, as well as books. i generally put in twice as much effort as anyone in everything. i'm honest but only to a point when it has to do with what i'm thinking, because i have an overactive imagination as well as a brain that just overthinks all the details.

i never used to be an angry person. but then i grew up. and i understand people way too much, i know what they're thinking before they do. and no i do give people enough credit, but i still hate them. it's a hate thats starting to eat into me. i never used to be angry. but now i'm bitter and angry and overthought and exhausted. but what i am never matters in the end.

i skipped a few days

and i already feel worse. fuck. 4 hours of sleep, then 8 hours of work then 2 hours of driving....i dont know if my brain can handle this. so many things running through my mind and building this brick that just keeps slowly crawling up my chest to my throat. i couldnt hold it together last night, and i have no idea why. i was exhausted and as soon as i put my head on that pillow is was like doubt just washed all over my body in the most complete and terrifying way. i started questioning every single move i have made in the past two weeks. thinking, rethinking, thinking over again. my stomach hurts so much right now and i know a headache is coming because i cant stop grinding my teeth because i cant stop setting my jaw in absolute anger, with myself. and since my stomach hurts i cant eat. and this building knot is forming in throat and i don't know if it's because im sick or if it's because there are so many things i'm not saying.

alex is here!

nough said. so tired. need sleep. more tomorrow.