this is really the post for the 12th since i havent gone to sleep yet. i have yet to think of extravagant ideas for my 365 project, i'm feeling kindof lame. it's good though because maybe that gives me a better handle on each day ... on who i am each individual day. that's my hope at least.
i had an angry conversation with a classmate of mine today. we were in a small peer group reflecting on a seminar we were obligated to attend on youth suicide prevention. it hit home for me, not so much for him. i am the type of person who can listen to all sides and try to see their points, but i was hurt to realize just how stubborn and ignorant people can be. "if everyone has feelings of sadness, why do we make such a big deal about depression?" i could have killed him with my eyes. no, my eyelashes. i tried explaining things to him in the group, trying to keep myself calm and collected. i wont lie im proud i stood up for my own beliefs and didnt allow myself to be bullied by a person who just does not yet know. the encounter made me think of twloha. it made me think of a lot of other things too.
the mirror look is recording how in these past few moments of my life, i've started to stop looking back. i am making decisions and moving on with life. i took an awesome walk with a friend here, she's fucking awesome. we were talking about the guys in our life and how i've gotten myself into a pickle. she was talking about how she's finally ready to commit to the guy shes been seeing but how she's afraid of telling him because she doesn't know exactly how he feels. i told her that there comes a point where we realize that we just need to have hope that we can be loved and hurt and loved again. it's a cycle. and we learn with each turn, with each moment made. being honest to yourself and those around you build an integrity within yourself. i know now a days, especially for me, hope has been lost so much. faith has been completely shattered in mere seconds. but meca has given me a new light. a new start.
i have finally started to take my own advice. i am strong and i can face each day, face each decision. a painful comment from a friend tonight brought out some of my insecurity when it comes to relationships and dating and just plain hooking up. im human, i like getting some just as much as the next guy. i also know i am worth something. not all men are pigs, not all boys are out to steal your crayons, not all love is lost and not all guys will use you. every person gets a fresh start; my past should not interfere with my perception of them. it has made me wise but hopefully not dulled and hopeless. and if i am just a piece of midnight ass then fuck it, at least i'm getting some too. two can play at those shenanigans.
shoot shenanigans is a legitimate word. ballin.
i was completely shut down in my photo critique yesterday. i guess texture is not a good final subject. so tons of shooting this weekend ... in BOSTON :] slash TURNERS FALLS :D i could not be more excited
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