because if they are happy, you will realize what happiness is gone. and if they are angry, you wil relive the anger. stupid intolerable double edged swords. i made a break through last night in the middle of a breakdown: i am sick of being forced to choose between being two people. because i realized i am at a crossroads, and neither side will do. maybe that will help with this weekend.
going home, again. tomorrow. got some math homework to do before. hopefully i can get some film work done. i think we're scanning negatives in class week, which will be AWESOME because then i can update and finally publish my website to the world. that might make me feel better. maybe.
this see-sawing is just utter bullshit. im a mess and you know that i cant help it. except i totally can. "i know i can, i just don't want to" when did you become such a self absorbed asshole who felt the most of your contributions were felt only in those who use and take advantage of you? i fell in love with someone completely different, and now i dont know you anymore. and i cant fight for something when i dont even know what it is anymore. we said we were done with mind games and cheap shots. im upfront real talk. get on my level or get the fuck up, i'm not wasting away anymore to prove who i am or am not.
i sound psychotic and narcissistic and silly. time for a smoke then homework.