last night was a disaster, but today has been better

and i AM GOING TO BE BETTER. for real. in all ways. daily journalings, daily routines, telling the real truth, honesty honesty honesty. i feel like the biggest selfish idiot ever to have hit the earth, even though i am not. but i refuse to continue to feel sorry and upset and ashamed. i need to make changes, and they have already been made. today is day one. ten more days and we've got a habit, and once made a constant habit it can turn into a practice and a lifestyle and changed perspective and a saved life. i really love you kid. and you're more than worth this. so much more.

disappointing people is one of those things that is difficult to get over, give up. but . there is always a but. I CAN BE STRAIGHTFORWARD WITH THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING. and i am going to. i am, right now. i have called the people i wanted to call, i have already made steps. the expression "scared straight" is so lame and so horrible but so true. i hate to have to be one of those people that needed to fuck someone's day up to realize how pathetic and stubborn i can be. and hey, this is not a self hating entry. i carry a lot of self hate, but i'm picking my brain a part and putting it back together and relearning how to be functional and rational and beautiful. because i need to be more than what was asked for. and i can do that.
all you can do is your best. and i intend to actually do my best.

for the record, everything that is different from 10:34pm may 6th and forever forth is not a directly connect to events leading to. some of them have been a long time coming. but yes i was scared straight. i was scared shitless. and it sucks to admit it, but i was wrong and he was right and i'm just not used to that. but it is everything (well, almost everything) i need right now.

and now this feels stupid but OH WAIT. i am pushing through the defensive net of making myself look and simultaneously feel stupid. because other opinions do not matter, but changing does. SO HAH. yes.

and goddamn i really love that boy.